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Introduction

When I was young, I loved to play outside. I was the type of kid to run around in the rain, make mud pies, and swing on the swing set so high that I could touch the sky. I loved the outdoors. Everything seemed normal until my body started going through changes. This would have been normal, except I noticed some changes that no one else had. When I was in my freshman year of high school, I was diagnosed with pectus excavatum. 

Growing Up

Everything began during my first few years of elementary school. As I grew older, I started to notice that I wasn’t able to play outside for as long as I did anymore. I couldn’t run around for long periods of time, couldn’t play sports like the other kids, nor could I simply walk on the track for a club I was in. I would get burnt out very quickly and overheat after exercising. My face would turn flushed and it was hard for me to catch my breath. My body was slowly changing like the other girls in my class, so I thought all of this was normal. Even though I was suffering during exercise, I tried to take tennis classes over the summer. My mom began to notice that after every class I was bright red in the face from being overheated and completely out of breath. It took me a long time to cool off and calm my lungs. Because of this, I stayed inside a lot more. My family and I decided to keep watch of this issue and I moved on in life. 

Middle school was terrible for me. All of the girls were about done with puberty, as was I. We all talked about ‘girl problems,’ periods and, strangely, compared breasts. It came to the point where I realized that my chest was larger than other girls, and I was the only one who had an issue with bras and swimsuits not holding my breasts in properly. I became extremely self-conscious of my body. I wanted to get a breast reduction and change the way I looked as soon as possible. I tried to hide my body when changing for gym class in the locker room. I kept all of my problems about puberty to myself. My family decided to have me take some tests to try to figure out what the problem was with my inability to exercise around this time. Initially, we thought it could be that my body was burning through proteins extremely fast and was burning out as a result. This ended up not being true and we were at a loss for what it could be.

A few years later, I started my first year of high school. I was still struggling with my body and this feeling of being different and not normal still hung over my head. Around the first few months of my freshman year, I realized that something was not right. I was changing in my room one day and realized that my chest didn’t seem right. I have always had an indentation in between my breasts but didn’t think anything of it. I thought it was how my chest was supposed to look because of how large my breasts were. This day, however, was the day I realized that something was wrong with me. I called my mom and dad in to take a look and they were petrified. We immediately made doctor's appointments for me to get checked out and the information we received was terrifying. I was diagnosed with pectus excavatum. 

What is Pectus Excavatum?

Pectus excavatum is a condition people are born with (more commonly in people who were born male) where your sternum or breastbone is concave and sunken into your chest. This condition makes it look like a scoop was taken out of one’s chest. It is rare for anyone to need surgery to fix this condition. To figure out if one needs surgery, they look at your Haller index: a scale of measurement of the space between your sternum and your spine, 2 or less being normal and 3.5 or greater being severe. The surgery itself, called the Nuss procedure, consists of placing a metal bar underneath the ribcage to push the sternum back in place. The bar stays in for three years and is removed afterward.

The Procedure

After several x-rays, many doctor’s visits, and lots of research, my doctor and parents decided that I was such a severe case that I needed surgery. On top of this, we also learned that I had a Haller index of 5.4 (extremely severe case), I had a flared ribcage, and my heart and lungs were being compressed because of my sternum. My dad ended up finding the surgeon who helped perfect the surgery and immediately knew I needed to go to him to get this fixed. 

I became very depressed around this time. I was terrified of the surgery after I knew what it consisted of. I knew it was going to be painful and I was terrified. I already had developed a fear of hospitals, doctors, and anything in between and was worried this would make it worse. I started to push people away and I didn’t want anything to do with my friends, my boyfriend, or my family. I cried myself to sleep too many times. I stayed awake at night wishing I was never like this. 

After a few months of tests, x rays, CT scans, patch tests, and more, it was time for the surgery. I had my surgery completed successfully at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia and stayed there to recover for 5 days. Everyone was amazing at this hospital. My nurses were so sweet and made sure I was comfortable every chance they could. My mom stayed with me in the hospital every single day and my family and friends visited often. I felt very loved. At the end of my stay, I was sent home with a signed plush heart from my nurses and well wishes from them all. It was a great experience, except for when I had to go home and continue recovering. The next month was extremely painful. Every move I made hurt to the point where I was put on OxyContin. Though I was in an immense amount of pain, my heart was full as everyone around me was so generous and sweet. My parents even bought me The Legend of Zelda: Breath of The Wild for me to play while I was stuck at home for a month and pretty much bed-bound.

Recovering

My whole life changed after recovering. I was finally able to feel comfortable in my own skin. Sure, my breasts were still big but everything finally felt right. I was able to wear swimsuits that I wanted to, my lungs and heart were in their proper places, and I was finally able to find a love for hiking, swimming, and walking! I ended up gaining the nickname of The Wolverine from my dad and would constantly make jokes about how my chest was concave. It felt good to feel so comfortable and confident. I had a bit of pain when moving every now and then, but things were good.

I had the removal surgery for the bar about year ago on June 18, 2021. Weirdly, I still have some ‘ghost pains’ in my sides from where the incisions were. I have a feeling I’ll always have these pains, but I’m okay with it. I’d rather have this than pectus excavatum. I’m still on this journey with pectus excavatum as I still have flared ribs and sometimes I overheat, but life is good. I have some pretty cool scars from the surgery too. Looking back on this, I think I can blame pectus excavatum for getting me invested in art and pursuing an art career. I would always stay inside and draw instead of exercising and playing outside, so if I never had this I think I would have ended up being an athlete of some kind. Perhaps tennis would have been my passion.

Conclusion

Pectus excavatum is something that can be intimidating and can make one feel extremely self-conscious. It can be painful and overlooked, but it doesn’t have to be. As a woman, I wish to share my story in the future. Pectus excavatum is not talked about in young girls, as it is more uncommon and can make young girls feel so uncomfortable in their skin, just like I did. Everyone in this world is beautiful. I hope to inspire more people to feel comfortable in their own skin, no matter where they are on the Haller index scale. 

Jordan's personal essay won third prize in SVA's Annual Writing contest in the spring of 2022. Jordan is a second-year Illustration student at the School of Visual Arts. She writes: "I am passionate about visual storytelling, visual development, and concept work. Because of these passions, I plan on growing my writing skills to strengthen the stories I tell, visual or not. I love coming up with weird, scary, silly, and unique stories." Jordan's website is: http://jaykaydraws.com