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HUMANS AREN'T DESIGNED FOR RETAIL

WORKING THE REGISTER IS A CRUEL JOKE

AND THE CUSTOMER IS USUALLY WRONG.

Every co-worker I've ever had , has had the itch to escape, and a lingering sadness that weighs on their shoulders, and it never truly goes away until they’re away. (especially at Walgreens. Fuck Walgreens.) 

A bitter feeling of being trapped, tied by moral obligation.

I feel saddest when I meet elderly people still working physically laborious jobs.

I feel sad when I meet kids who left school and work overtime because they couldn't afford it anymore. 

I feel sad for the people with families they come home tired to. 

I do feel guilty for having such a resentment towards the entry level jobs I’ve had, it’s a thin line between being grateful to even be able to work, make my own money and doing what is socially “right”, and knowing that the human spirit isn’t designed to do menial tasks for hours on end.

We aren’t meant to be a target for passerbys on their bad days.

Associates are paid punching bags, and they come in so many different forms.

Although working at an art supply store had been my dream for awhile, and I learned so much from it, I find the customer service world to be extremely draining no matter the product being sold. I found myself trying to break out of the role I was hired for, just to feel more useful. I’d record demo videos of new paints when nobody even assigned me to, I’d study different supplies to give better advice to customers, I’d go out of my way to be more than an associate. But the reality of the matter is, no matter what you do, you’ll stay worth $16.50. 

When days sucked, they SUCKED. Walking up and down the same isles for hours on end and faking smiles and adding an extra dash of excitement to your voice is very draining. You start to feel like you’re a fish in a bowl, swimming baaaaaaaaaack and forth. You start thinking of all the things you could, would, and should do. In a way, this is also a blessing.

But I do have to admit that there were times that I felt fulfilled, when parents came shopping for their children, because they just got into drawing or painting, and they wanted to support and upgrade their supplies from the basics. The kids' faces would light up when I shared all the possibilities. I felt so good when I was able to actually help people. I ended up working at Blick for (almost) a whole year because of these moments. That’s pretty long for my track record.

I always felt like I was capable of doing more with my time. 

The problem with being an artist is that not many people see the work you do as a valuable contribution to society until it’s making them money too. At times, I resent the fact that being an artist is what I was assigned to do. I say assigned because I wholeheartedly don’t believe that I picked this route. 

Why would I? 

Maybe I’m just trying to convince myself that it wasn’t a choice. 

If I DID quit, could I still scrape some money to buy coffees in the morning?

 What would It look like to have the sun to myself, and be able to go outside earlier than 8pm?

When I first really started thinking seriously about leaving, I remember this older woman with graying hair came in, looking for work. She left us her card, and told us about how she’s an illustrator, but needed extra income. I saw her work, it was cohesive, professional, and adorable. I was literally floored that she couldn't support herself off of her talent alone. I felt two different things, one was guilt because I know that there’s others that want to be in my position, and here I am feeling so much angst everyday just coming in in the morning, and the second was frustration that it didn't matter how long you did something for or how good at it you were, it still isn't enough sometimes. How can we change this? I don’t know yet.

I think that to be an artist is to carve your own path, and it does come with its own faults; but, you’re able to work harder and go beyond minimum wage. In many ways, disciplining yourself and starting your own business might even be even more work than working for a company. Sometimes it’s fruitless. But at least you're doing it for yourself, and it feels fulfilling. Who am I to even be sad for her though? Maybe this job is exactly what she wants and it doesn't bother her? What if it just isn't for me? What if working retail wasn’t even sad for her? I was just projecting my own anxieties onto her.

I did end up quitting, and maybe they hired her in my place.

I was so scared to leave, but everyone I went to for advice was accepting of my decision and even thought it was a good idea. 

I decided to brace uncertainty with open arms and allot for bigger possibilities and avenues to pick from

Monotony is dead, and I swore to myself and everyone around me that Blick is my last retail job unless absolutely necessary

There's value in individual experiences, and if there’s anything I learned it’s that you can unpack so much more than what you see on the surface if you just give a piece 15 minutes of thought, observing, and questioning. I got to further reinforce and validate how I feel about the state of capitalism, and survival in America. There’s no such thing as the wrong thing to do or the wrong format and your thoughts matter more.

I want people to connect to the things I make. I learned that just sitting with something and letting it marinate is so valuable. That all you really have to do is the small things in your everyday life, and they all add up to something bigger. Break things up and digest it in fragments

The only way out is to relieve your spirit. 

When I decided to leave Blick, I found that opportunities came to me, and I was able to say “yes” more often than not. Shortly after, I was able to be in an art show, paint a huge mural in Brooklyn, and I thought of an idea for a business - I’m now working on a line of toys that are designed to inspire kids to create art with confidence. I think that working at Blick gave me hints at what I feel passionate about, and it was an inevitable part of my development. I do struggle with disciplining myself, I got so used to the structure of being directed and scheduled; but now these are skills I can develop for myself, and reshape what I think it is to be productive. While it’s not the easiest work and it comes with a lot of “what ifs”, I keep reminding myself to take baby steps. I’m not saying that everybody should quit their jobs, but follow what aligns with what comes easiest to you.

The way we view work should change. I don't have all the answers, but it can start with simple things like just being a little kinder to each other, supporting artists and small businesses, sharing your passions and being encouraging. Maybe we could let robots take over jobs with menial tasks and provide universal basic income. I don't know. Let’s lower the prices of Deli sandwiches too.

Lexi Paulino's critical essay won first prize in the Twelfth Annual Humanities & Sciences Undergraduate Writing Contest. She is a fourth year Fine Arts major (Class of 2025). Born & raised in NYC, her work combines themes of urban transformation, imaginary creatures, and personal narrative through mixed media paintings.